Do I Have to Talk About My Childhood in Therapy?

One question people sometimes ask when they're considering therapy is, "Do I have to talk about my childhood?"

Usually, they have something more immediate on their mind. A relationship has become difficult. They're anxious. Work is wearing them down. They want help with what's happening now, and they're not sure how talking about something that happened thirty years ago is going to help.

I think that's a reasonable concern. Especially with psychoanalytic therapy, people can imagine that we'll spend months talking about their parents while the problem they came in with goes unattended.

That isn't how I think about the work.

You Can Start With What Brought You In

You don't need to arrive with a history of your childhood prepared. We can begin with the argument you had last night, the dread you feel on Sunday evenings, or something you're having trouble putting into words.

Sometimes earlier experiences come into the conversation fairly quickly. Other times they don't. I might ask about your family because I'm trying to get to know you, but you can also tell me that you don't see the relevance, or that there's something else you'd rather talk about. That gives us something useful to understand too.

People have different feelings about discussing their childhood. Some want to make sense of it. Some feel protective of their parents. Others have talked about it plenty and are tired of going over the same ground. And sometimes a person simply doesn't remember much.

None of that prevents us from beginning.

Why Childhood Sometimes Matters

Our early relationships can leave us with expectations that we don't necessarily recognize as expectations. They just feel like how things are.

You might assume that if someone is upset, it's your job to make them feel better. Or that asking for something will make you seem demanding. You might find it hard to disagree with someone you love, even when you know perfectly well that disagreement is a normal part of a relationship.

These ways of responding often made sense at some point. Being attentive to a parent's mood may have helped you get through a difficult household. Being undemanding may have been a way to stay close to someone who didn't have much room for your needs.

But later, you may find yourself doing the same thing with people who could respond differently. Or choosing relationships in which you end up in that familiar position again.

Understanding something about where a pattern began can help. It doesn't necessarily change it, though. You may already know quite a lot about your history and still find yourself having the same argument, feeling the same anxiety, or giving in when you meant to say no.

That's part of what we can work on together.

We Can Notice It Happening Now

In psychoanalytic therapy, we pay attention to what happens between us as well as what happens elsewhere in your life.

You might notice that you're trying to be a good patient. You're worried about boring me, or you feel that you should have something important to say each week. Perhaps something I say bothers you, but you hesitate to tell me.

We don't have to assume that any of this comes from childhood. I may have said something that didn't fit. You may still be getting comfortable with me. We need to be interested in what's actually happening before deciding what it means.

But sometimes, as we talk, you recognize a familiar feeling: "I do this with everyone. I'm always trying to figure out what the other person wants from me."

Then we have a chance to understand it while it's happening. What makes it difficult to say what you want? What do you imagine I might do if you disagree with me? And what happens when you do?

The past doesn't have to be excavated. It often arrives on its own.

Your Current Life Deserves Attention Too

Not every painful situation is a repetition of childhood. Sometimes your job really is unreasonable. Your partner has hurt you. You're facing a loss or a decision for which there isn't a good answer.

I wouldn't want an interest in your history to get in the way of taking those things seriously.

Often, the present and the past help us understand each other. We might come to see why a particular situation affects you so strongly, while also thinking about what you want to do about it now. There's no required amount of childhood discussion. The question is whether talking about it helps us understand something that otherwise remains confusing or keeps getting repeated.

Additional Reading

If this feels familiar, you may also find these reflections helpful.

Starting Therapy

If you're wary of being led back into childhood, you can say that. You don't have to agree in advance about what therapy should focus on.

I offer psychoanalytic therapy for adults and couples in San Francisco, in person and by secure video throughout California. If you're interested, you're welcome to contact me about fit and current availability.

You can start with what's troubling you now. We can see where that takes us.